The shit. Dumb.

Back to the sheet Kitchen Coffee maker · B3
Nespresso Vertuo Next
B3 · Hall of smart-shame Oh no, you didn’t?

Nespresso Vertuo Next

By Nespresso.

$126
Amazon US, October 2026. Prices change.

A capsule machine with Bluetooth and Wi-Fi that launched asking owners to update its firmware through an app before it brewed properly. It reads a barcode on every capsule, so the maker decides what goes in it.

Local
Bluetooth, RF or NFC. An attacker has to be nearby.
Online
Wi-Fi, Ethernet or cellular. An attacker can be anywhere, and it can collect data.

Buy the dumb one instead

We do not link to the smart one. You can find it.

Survival checklist

What it survives, next to the dumb one.
1
=SURVIVES(threat)Survives…
ThisNespresso Vertuo Next
The dumb oneDumb oneV60 and hand grinder
2
Power cut
FALSE
TRUE*
3
Wi-Fi goes down
#DEPENDS
TRUE
4
The company switches off its servers
#DEPENDS
TRUE
5
Someone tries to hack it
FALSE
TRUE
6
A firmware update goes wrong
FALSE
TRUE
7
Twenty years from now
#DEPENDS
TRUE
8
=COUNTIF(TRUE)Total
0 of 60/6and three maybes
6 of 66/6

The dumb one is the V60 and hand grinder. * V60 and hand grinder: Hot water not included. A gas hob, a camping stove or an open fire will do.

Row 3

See it in the sheetIn the sheet
You are here

Needs a firmware update before your first coffee.

Nespresso Vertuo Next

$126
Local · Online Coffee, pending login.