The shit. Dumb.

Back to the sheet Sports & Outdoors Flashlight · B12
A phone flashlight
B12 · Hall of smart-shame Oh no, you didn’t?

A phone flashlight

By Apple.

$734
Amazon US, October 2026. Prices change.

A thousand-dollar torch with a camera attached. It is always in your pocket, which is the problem: when you need light the most, you also need the battery for something else.

Local
Bluetooth, RF or NFC. An attacker has to be nearby.
Online
Wi-Fi, Ethernet or cellular. An attacker can be anywhere, and it can collect data.

Buy the dumb one instead

We do not link to the smart one. You can find it.

Survival checklist

What it survives, next to the dumb one.
1
=SURVIVES(threat)Survives…
ThisA phone flashlight
The dumb oneDumb oneUCO Original candle lantern
2
Power cut
FALSE
TRUE
3
Wi-Fi goes down
#DEPENDS
TRUE
4
The company switches off its servers
#DEPENDS
TRUE
5
Someone tries to hack it
FALSE
TRUE
6
A firmware update goes wrong
FALSE
TRUE
7
Twenty years from now
#DEPENDS
TRUE
8
=COUNTIF(TRUE)Total
0 of 60/6and three maybes
6 of 66/6

The dumb one is the UCO Original candle lantern.

Row 12

See it in the sheetIn the sheet
You are here

Lights the path and drains the battery you needed to call for help.

A phone flashlight

$734
Local · Online Light, at the cost of the call.